The Not So Triumphant Return of "Ask Doc Rummy"...

Unfortunately last week, I had to attend to a seriously ill patient, who was prone to fits of "jacked pumpedness." I can't say his name (for legal reasons) but it rhymes with Pete Carroll. Anyway, on to more pressing matters, so take a seat on the chaise ...

 

Dear Doc Rummy,

Not sure why all these cock gobblers are baggin’ on my look. Gets the old lady hot, think she has a thing for “Bubs” from the “The Wire.” What say you, Ass Cheese?

 

Wag of the finger,

Todd Haley

 

Dear Todd,

Whatever gives the old lady stiff nips. You be YOU, Hobo Chili.

 

 

Dear Doc Rummy,

Gosh, golly, and land’ o blazes! Sorry for the harsh language, Doc, but I can’t believe I muffed that snap. Don’t know what came over me. Dropped a “Hot Pocket” taking it out of the microwave last night...I cried for two hours straight. Help me, Doc!

 

Really steamed at myself,

Phillip Rivers

 

 

Dear Philip,

First off, I’m shocked at the level of your vulgarity. Tourette’s? Anyhoo, I think you need to work on the C/QB exchange to build up your sagging confidence. You have six kids, right? Try oiling up the youngest with cocoa butter, and have the wife snap the little bugger to you, oh, 20-30 times. No way you’ll drop the kid, and the added weight will build up the muscles in your girly hands.

 

 

Dear Doc Rummy,

I just wanted to...OW! Hurt my hand typing this.

 

Feeling all hurty,

Ryan Mathews

 

 

Dear Ryan,

Care to oil yourself up for some QB exchanges? Rivers could use the reps.

 

 

 

 

Dear Doc Rummy,

Never guess where I am right now?

 

Peek-A-Boo,

Chad Ocho Cinco

 

 

Dear Chad,

Let’s eliminate the obvious: (1) Buried in the playbook (2) In Bill Belichick’s good graces (3) On the field on game day.

 

 

 

Dear Rock Rummy,

Me no understand. Gronk let whore wear jersey, media ANGRY! Edelman grab girl, media ANGRY! Can’t caveman get table dance?

 

Fire bad!!,

Rob Gronkowski

 

 

Dear Gronk,

Man who have fire (media) try to keep Gronk & Edelman down. Head Velociraptor (Belichick) only one Gronk need worry about. Is what is...FIRE!!!

 

 

Dear Doc Rummy,

I don’t get all the love for Andrew Luck. I haven’t seen one professional NFL level type throw from this kid, and everyone is losing their mind. Plus his beard hasn’t even matured yet, where’s his Jeff Hostetler mustache?! Pitiful.

 

Pale and pissed,

Phil Simms

 

 

Dear Powder,

Forget Luck, why are you so pale? Even when you get pissed, you can barely muster up "Santa Fe Sand" on the Sherwin-Williams pain chart? Can I suggest a spray tan? Maybe a nice base, so you actually show up on the screen during cloudy games? Don't go crazy though, with that yellow hair, if you go too many shades deep, you might end up looking Jimmy Johnson, and people might actually respect your opinion.

 

 

Dear Doc Rummy,

Look, the ass whoopin’ my defense took is all on ME. Andy Reid read my mail, walked my dog, read my evening paper, felt up my wife, and ate my French Dip sammich. I’m so embarrassed, I didn’t even condition my luxurious silver locks. All on me, brother.

 

Red-faced like Shanahan,

Rob “I should be HC” Ryan

 

 

Dear Fake Rex,

Now now, big fella, CHINS UP. Not your fault Romo sucks & Jason Garrett forgot he has Dez Bryant on his roster. Just keep pretending you’re the HC and maybe Jerry Jones will have that soulless ginger eliminated. In the meantime, might I suggest pigtails to bring out your inner child? Treat yourself, big girl, this is your tea party.

 

 

Dear Doc Rummy,

Gotta tell ya’, Doc, very disappointed in the folks over at SuperCuts. Switched out my usual “stylist” Kerri, ya’ the one with the twin peaks? Anyways, gave me some SuperCuts exchange student from Guatemala, and now my hair is actually symmetrical. I even cracked a smile when I passed my reflection in Ron Jaworski’s shiny forehead. This is not good. Chucky trademark is a scowl, not a sissy girly-man grin. Help me out there, good doctor!

 

This guy right here,

Jon Gruden

 

 

Dear Grudes,

No fear, oh fearless one! Got the name of Tony Kornheiser’s stylist, and she’s prepared to fuck you up real nice. Make ya’ look like you “fought the lawnmower, and the lawnmower won.” Have that limp, lifeless pile of “My Little Pony” hair looking as neglected as it once was. In the meantime? Slap two pieces of smoked salmon on your head, no one will know the difference.