Ask Dr. Rummy: Free Agency/Combine/Pre-Draft/Jeremy Lin Edition (or Lindition)

Submitted by John on Wed, 02/22/2012 - 2:18pm

Dear Doc Rummy,

I guess you've read Michael Silver's latest in GQ, and I have to tell you, I don't like being painted as a bitter, diva QB. Is there a way I can best deﬂect this attention, especially to any potential teams in Free Agency?

Sincerely,

Brady Quinn

Dear Brady,

I'm sorry, who are you again? Just kidding. I know, you're that kid from the Vampire movies. Look, just consider yourself lucky that any coach would let you ﬁlm fruity vampire movies in the offseason, and still play football at a mediocre level. Zip it, Team Quinn.

Dear Doc Rummy,

The owner of my current team is a kook. I mean, he's straight goofy. It's a safe bet that I won't be around in a few weeks, and people are still pumping up my little brother, Eli. How do I "Favre" myself back into the equation? If I snap, you think Jeff Saturday would pilot a white Bronco for me?

Dawgonnit!

Peyton

Dear Superior Manning,

First off, watch the language, shithead. Secondly, you have the neck of Tony Stark. I wouldn't be in a rush to stick my neck out, for lack of a better analogy. I like you in Seattle. Nice weapons, solid defense, insane fan base, insane coach. Coffee is good, they ﬁlm "The Killing" there. What? You hate that show? You too? I don't get it, it's well written...yeah, a little slow, but it's DAMN GOOD! Wait, what was I saying again?

Dear Doc Rummy,

Sup? Got a ﬁsh tank. Answering questions on Ustream. Check out my funny disguise! I'm not Randy, I'm Andy, Randy's brother.

Straight cash, homie,

Randy Moss

Dear Randy,

Um, security....SECURITY!

Dear Doc Rummy,

Mmmmhf! Mmmmmummmhmffumf! *lip smack* Mmmmmmm!

Alshon....Mmummumhfff...Jeffery

Dear Alshon,

I can almost hear the metastasizing of your diabetes. Put down the Shamrock Shake and do some crunches, Fatty....and I don't mean NESTLE!

Dear Doc Rummy,

C'mon, MAN! Passed up for the Hall of Fame...AGAIN? C'mon, MAAAAAAAAAN! Shiiiiiiiii....

Cris Carter

Dear Cris,

Okay, stop doing that "C'mon MAN" bullshit, nobody likes that...nobody. Secondly, you'll get in eventually. Likely as a senior entry, so take your vitamins...buy a hyperbaric chamber or something.

Dear Doc Rummy,

Whnjf Ymmvr,.ugrgrsfg$&5:}###%!!+*£<#?

Chris Johnson

Dear CJPreK,

No idea what the fuck you just typed. Did your cat run across the keyboard?

Dear Doc Rummy,

Hey! I'm in your column! Check me out! No look pass...BOOYAH!!! Naw, just kidding, I'm humble.

Humble as shit,

Jeremy Lin

Dear Lin-stant Pudding,

Man, YOU ARE everywhere. Can you get me the court side hookup? Hello? Hellllllllllo???